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Oct. 27,2008
I don’t understand any of this. How can H think it’s ok to make a date with another woman? It was in public and they were going to talk about our marriage and that is supposed to make it just dandy. Fuck that, if I said I was going to dinner with another guy but don’t worry honey we’ll be talking about how to help our marriage because I’m not happy right now and I promise I won’t sleep with him. I won’t say a word about when it’s going to happen and I’ll attempt to lie and blame you for it but you can trust me- he’d boot my ass out of this house quicker than I could run.

I’ve never felt so low in my life. I don’t know what to do. I think he’s telling me the truth but then he goes and says something else because he knows I’m about to find out about it. Just how far has he gone with that whore? Has he kissed her? Has he touched her in any way? How much did he tell her about me? About us? I feel so betrayed and alone. I want to forget it but I can’t stop thinking about it. He gets to go to work like nothing happened but I have to change my schedule and know that everyone is talking about it. I get to get the concerned looks and worse than that I get to be talked about and laughed at for being stupid. He’ll pass this off as his insecure and jealous wife while I have to face the fact that all of my co-workers will know within a week that my husband was dating another woman right under my nose.

He acts like he’s the victim here but fuck me this is my life. My work, my kids, my reputation, my pride and my humiliation, my husband did this to me without a thought to my feelings. He got the thrill of the risk and new experience with a tramp and I get pain, self-doubt and self-contempt. I could be pissed off at that cunt; I am pissed at her, but nowhere near as I am at H. She didn’t promise to respect me, to be faithful and true. He did and he broke those promises without a thought except not to get caught.
I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate that I can’t stop myself from thinking about this and imagining the two of them together. I went to bed last night after he left for work but when I closed my eyes all I could see was him with her, telling her they have to be more careful and laughing at me, about me while he gives her what he promised was mine alone. A says I’ll work past this feeling but that it will come back again at odd times. When he’s a little late coming home from work or when he’s not where he says he’s going to be. I hope and pray those occasions are few and far between because I’m hanging on to my dignity by a thread. Damn it all to Hell and back.