Thursday, October 30, 2008

Oct. 28, 2008
Well I got a little sleep with some help from a pill so I’m able to actually focus a thought on a single issue.

I don’t think H actually went that far- he most likely didn’t fuck that whore.
He most likely is attracted to her and was, if not actively thinking it through, putting a play on this person.
I need to listen more actively to what H is saying. There is something wrong with our relationship if H felt he needed to talk with this woman about our relationship.
Question everything, no more blind trust. H’s statement of, “your usually pissed off for a few days but you have never investigated before.” Tells me that I have something to watch out for.
I need to express my feelings rather than corking them. Drinking until I’m sick and can’t remember anything is not healthy and the kids will never see me like that again.
I’m insecure. I’ve never thought of myself that way before but the fact that I fell apart rather than being able to focus tells me I am too dependent on H for security.
I am not happy with my appearance and body that became very obvious when I immediately thought is H was attracted to this woman because I’m ugly or fat. It’s time to put some money into the issue. I need to
A. Get my teeth fixed
B. Loose some weight
C. Invest in clothing that flatter rather than cover
D. Start saving for breast lift and tummy tuck
H is not the problem. I am the problem. I have to work on me and how I look at myself and allow him to treat me. I am not a door mate and my happiness does matter. I have to stop thinking of him first all the time. If I don’t respect myself how can I expect him to respect me? I can’t. It’s time to build confidence in me again. I will be checking phone records daily. I will ask more questions about the woman he works with- obviously he views them as a pool to dip into. Johnson Control fired him before for supposed sexual harassment @@. Funny how he tried to say this was going to have him accused of Sexual Harassment if I stepped in, something to think about. I still can’t believe he had the nerve to try and turn this around on me, why am I being investigated, LOL, because you scream I’ve got a secret in a million different ways and have since before my birthday. I mentioned it to J and he suggested it was because he was planning something for my birthday- HA- there wasn’t anything planned for my anything- he doesn’t even remember my birthday or our anniversary- those dates aren’t important to him. Actions speak louder than words well now it’s time for me to take action. I will fix myself and I will give H the chance to build my trust in him again- but this is the last time I will extend that. If he breaks faith with me again I’m going to file for divorce. He said I had to give him a year when I screwed up and forgot to pay a bill well he’s got a year to prove that I can trust him again. If he can expect that from me I certainly can expect that from him.

1 comment:

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