Friday, October 31, 2008

It's been a week

It's been a week but seems like a month. G was scared and guilty. I was a mess of emotions and rage. G asked me yesterday if I wanted him to leave for a little while because he can't stand seeing me like this and that might help me. I realized that we weren't solving anything. It was time to take the emotions out of the issue and talk about what's going on.

It may seem crazy and ignorant to some but I love my husband beyond words, I always thought he was perfect. When his perfection shattered it left me broken. Let me say he's human and he makes mistakes, when I say perfect I mean perfect in his regard for our kids and our marriage.

We talked a great deal yesterday, something we haven't done in a very long time due to work schedules and the kids. We've grown apart and that made G vulnerable to another woman for friendship and campainionship. I don't have a problem with G having female friends~I have a problem with it when he lies and sneaks around with those friends that he hides from me.

He swears it never went any further than conversation and I only have two choices. Believe him or Divorce him. It's just that simple. He's never given me any reason in the past to suspect he's been unfaithful so I have to choose to believe him.

When I look at my own erratic behavior over this last week I am ashamed. I've always been one walking tall ass kicking bitch but this, this brought me to my knees and left me shaking and afraid. I lied to my husband about my work schedule, attempted to get my hands on those text messages (I have friends in some very high places) and I could have gotten them, considered putting a tracking spy on G's cell phone. I turned into a stalker. This is not me. Never is this me. But all I could think about is this is not happening to me, I won't be a fool. Instead I was crazy and ignorant. I guess that's what happens when you stop thinking and just let your emotions take over.

We sat down and discussed it. I can either make the choice to allow G to earn my trust again or I can drive him away with this crazy stalker lady. G wants my trust and promises never to abuse it again and I want my relationship back. G was very clear in that he misses his wife. He works nights, I work days and then there's the kids. I'm quiting my job and he's going to try to get off of the night shift. It's time to put our marriage first. Our foundation is rock solid but the top soil is badly damaged so we've got to work on it and at it.

G has ended his friendship with Tammy and if Tammy tried to continue it I will handle that. Touch what is mine I will brake your God Damn hands. I couldn't do that before because it seemed G was offering what was mine to this woman but now that is all changed. There is no offer so I will handle my business. That's what makes me one walking tall ass kicking Bitch and that's the Bitch my husband adores.

So from now on, unless something else comes to light, my husbands mistress is no longer in our world. She may have thought she would steal what is mine but now she knows better and so do I.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Letter to my cheating husband

This was sent to him via e~mail yesterday.

You know we've been through a couple of years full of stress, questions, insecurity and fear but never once, not even in this last week, have I regreted that it's you I'm married to. Please don't ever question that~your the only man I want in my life, my bed and my heart. I think we forgot for a little while that not only are we husband and wife but that we are friends and can (and should) question each other, support each other, kid around, play with, joke with and enjoy each other. I don't need roses and romance (it's nice every once in a while though) to be happy or secure~ I just need to know that we are in this life together for better or worse. That you'll always be faithful and that you don't regret that it's me that is your wife.

This questionable friendship with Tammy shook me to the core. Everything was fine here so I can't understand why you would do this. You've lied to me about it from the start. She wasn't texting you on her own- you persued her and are attracted to her. You weren't discussing what woman want or any of that crap you tried to make me believe because we weren't having trouble. You intended to cheat, I know that. Maybe your bored or have a delayed 7 year itch complex, whatever. You were going to sleep with her and you had to break up with her. That's why you were begging me not to contact that whore. The only reason I haven't kicked your lying- cheating ass out is I can't prove you actually fucked her.

I'll be upfront here G, I'd rather you divorce me than cheat on me. No, I'm not asking for a divorce- I don't want a divorce unless you fucked her. I'm telling you what I can live with and what I can't. If you decide in the future that someone takes your eye or is simply better than me in your eyes. Don't cheat- ask me for a divorce. I'd rather be hurt and still respect you than embarrassed, humiliated, insecure, devestated and hating you. I would hate you but more than that I would hate myself because I wasn't enough.

I can't say these things to you without crying or looking pathetic. I spent this whole weekend looking pathetic and weak- I won't break again- so I say it to you here. I love you, your my whole world~please don't put me through this again. I can admit here, in black and white that I'm just not strong enough to take it.



How could he choose that CUNT when he knows I work with her Mother? I changed my schedule so I don't have to see that Bitch (who know's about and was giving me attitude because I am married to the guy her Daughter wanted). My boss is trying to convince me that I only see her for a half hour so I should be able to maintain a prof. attitude~of course he doesn't know the whole deal yet and I am not going to tell him. The manager at that store is calling me telling me she is crying because I am needed more than that Mother so they have to cut her hours. I don't care. Why can't these people realize that I just don't care! She needs the money- yay well maybe if she wasn't a skank she wouldn't have taught her daughter to be one. How could she encourage her daughter to attempt to date a Married Man? A man with 2 kids? A family?

When my boss said he would fire her I said NO, she didn't break any company rules. Isn't that enough? I knew this was going to follow me around and we can't afford for me to quit this job. It's only 1 of 3 but it's an extra $1600.00 a month and it would make a huge impact if I let it go. FUCK!!!!!!
Oct. 27,2008
I don’t understand any of this. How can H think it’s ok to make a date with another woman? It was in public and they were going to talk about our marriage and that is supposed to make it just dandy. Fuck that, if I said I was going to dinner with another guy but don’t worry honey we’ll be talking about how to help our marriage because I’m not happy right now and I promise I won’t sleep with him. I won’t say a word about when it’s going to happen and I’ll attempt to lie and blame you for it but you can trust me- he’d boot my ass out of this house quicker than I could run.

I’ve never felt so low in my life. I don’t know what to do. I think he’s telling me the truth but then he goes and says something else because he knows I’m about to find out about it. Just how far has he gone with that whore? Has he kissed her? Has he touched her in any way? How much did he tell her about me? About us? I feel so betrayed and alone. I want to forget it but I can’t stop thinking about it. He gets to go to work like nothing happened but I have to change my schedule and know that everyone is talking about it. I get to get the concerned looks and worse than that I get to be talked about and laughed at for being stupid. He’ll pass this off as his insecure and jealous wife while I have to face the fact that all of my co-workers will know within a week that my husband was dating another woman right under my nose.

He acts like he’s the victim here but fuck me this is my life. My work, my kids, my reputation, my pride and my humiliation, my husband did this to me without a thought to my feelings. He got the thrill of the risk and new experience with a tramp and I get pain, self-doubt and self-contempt. I could be pissed off at that cunt; I am pissed at her, but nowhere near as I am at H. She didn’t promise to respect me, to be faithful and true. He did and he broke those promises without a thought except not to get caught.
I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate that I can’t stop myself from thinking about this and imagining the two of them together. I went to bed last night after he left for work but when I closed my eyes all I could see was him with her, telling her they have to be more careful and laughing at me, about me while he gives her what he promised was mine alone. A says I’ll work past this feeling but that it will come back again at odd times. When he’s a little late coming home from work or when he’s not where he says he’s going to be. I hope and pray those occasions are few and far between because I’m hanging on to my dignity by a thread. Damn it all to Hell and back.
Oct. 28, 2008
Well I got a little sleep with some help from a pill so I’m able to actually focus a thought on a single issue.

I don’t think H actually went that far- he most likely didn’t fuck that whore.
He most likely is attracted to her and was, if not actively thinking it through, putting a play on this person.
I need to listen more actively to what H is saying. There is something wrong with our relationship if H felt he needed to talk with this woman about our relationship.
Question everything, no more blind trust. H’s statement of, “your usually pissed off for a few days but you have never investigated before.” Tells me that I have something to watch out for.
I need to express my feelings rather than corking them. Drinking until I’m sick and can’t remember anything is not healthy and the kids will never see me like that again.
I’m insecure. I’ve never thought of myself that way before but the fact that I fell apart rather than being able to focus tells me I am too dependent on H for security.
I am not happy with my appearance and body that became very obvious when I immediately thought is H was attracted to this woman because I’m ugly or fat. It’s time to put some money into the issue. I need to
A. Get my teeth fixed
B. Loose some weight
C. Invest in clothing that flatter rather than cover
D. Start saving for breast lift and tummy tuck
H is not the problem. I am the problem. I have to work on me and how I look at myself and allow him to treat me. I am not a door mate and my happiness does matter. I have to stop thinking of him first all the time. If I don’t respect myself how can I expect him to respect me? I can’t. It’s time to build confidence in me again. I will be checking phone records daily. I will ask more questions about the woman he works with- obviously he views them as a pool to dip into. Johnson Control fired him before for supposed sexual harassment @@. Funny how he tried to say this was going to have him accused of Sexual Harassment if I stepped in, something to think about. I still can’t believe he had the nerve to try and turn this around on me, why am I being investigated, LOL, because you scream I’ve got a secret in a million different ways and have since before my birthday. I mentioned it to J and he suggested it was because he was planning something for my birthday- HA- there wasn’t anything planned for my anything- he doesn’t even remember my birthday or our anniversary- those dates aren’t important to him. Actions speak louder than words well now it’s time for me to take action. I will fix myself and I will give H the chance to build my trust in him again- but this is the last time I will extend that. If he breaks faith with me again I’m going to file for divorce. He said I had to give him a year when I screwed up and forgot to pay a bill well he’s got a year to prove that I can trust him again. If he can expect that from me I certainly can expect that from him.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

It came out of no where

I wonder what tired line he used to get her involved, am I a cold uncaring frigid woman? Does he love me but he's just not "in-love" with me anymore? I'd ask him but he's a liar so what's the point? I saw the text message from her and he says, I don't know why she's getting personal Hun, but I will speak to her about it. Then when I pull up the history and see just how much he calls and texts her he claims he needed a woman's perspective on what woman want. Then when I tell him that I fully intend to show up at his work on Monday morning and kick Tammy's ass it's please don't do this~ I've calmed it down. I didn't sleep with her I swear.

The next day I text her asking what their relationship is and she lies about it, of course. I saw the text messages so I know they discuss more than quality issues. But she knows he's a married man and still chose to get involved so I expect nothing less.

I don't get it. We have an active, even adventurous, sex life. We never go more than 3 days without making love or just having nasty dirty burn the sheets up sex. Why would he do this to me? Why would he risk everything we have on a woman he barely knows? I work, I keep a clean house, take care of our kids, spend time with him- what is so wrong with US that he would think it was O.K. to sleep with a slut at work?

I have her number and LORD I want to post it on Craig's list or some where else to be sure she would get lots of calls. I want to make her feel as unhappy, angry, frustrated, betrayed, outraged, hurt and humiliated as I do. I want to rip my husband to shreds. But I can't prove he actually had sex with her. I know he did but I can't prove it.